That cloud with the silver lining

2012-02-05T21:12:00.004+08:00

Never thought i'd be feeling this strongly towards a person before, almost terrifying actually.

Slow down, you crazy child.

2012-02-01T23:09:00.002+08:00

Somehow feeling like there's just too much to take in with all the different appeals and JCs, but most of all, am feeling utterly alone with everyone leaving jurong. I really do feel very very sad. And it doesn't help when dad constantly tells me 'it's alright just try your best to appeal' because it really isn't alright. And the more he tries to help, the more i feel like shit about myself. Why am i letting all this affect me?

2012-01-29T21:20:00.002+08:00

Feeling so helpless yet i feel like i need to help her. Don't know how i'm going to start or where this will lead me but there's just something in her that makes me want to change so that she changes as well. Life's really too short to let this opportunity pass by. Suddenly feeling like all this might actually make sense and there might really be more to this than what it seems. Hope i don't die anytime soon, because it'll be such a waste.

2012-01-28T00:53:00.003+08:00

Everything is tearing apart. There is this constant battle between my head and my heart. Feels like i'm about to rip apart from this tug-of-war that is happening within me. There must be more than this. Also, i wished i could tell you all the things i'd like you to know but the words never quite come out. Maybe someday when i muster enough courage.

Not a single day goes by without me wanting to see you.

2012-01-21T23:32:00.002+08:00

Don't think I've ever been this confused before, but i feel like there is still more to you than what i already know and i hope that one day you'll trust me enough to let me into all your insecurities and all the things of your past because i believe you can only truly love someone through their failures and imperfections. Also, the future really scares me, and how i wish time would stop completely for us and we could lead the rest of our lives in this state. But clearly, that won't ever happen so no matter how terrifying the future may be, i trust that we will last. Do you?

Inadequate

2012-01-20T00:48:00.002+08:00

Jesus help me believe that I'm someone worth dying for.

Hope the day ahead goes alright.

Communicate

2012-01-17T23:50:00.002+08:00

I realize i find it very difficult to communicate with people, especially about things that really matter. Tongue gets tied and my mind runs out of things to say and messages to portray. But i really need to get things straight with you, don't think i can handle the ignorance anymore. You need to know how i feel, and vice versa, and hopefully, in the process of doing so, things won't get too complicated.

Can't say i love you, neither can i say i don't. You really need to confirm all these doubts asap.

So damn obnoxious

2012-01-13T23:45:00.003+08:00

Remind me again why i still hold conversations with you and act like nothing has changed when all i feel towards you is annoyance. You're so damn obnoxious and i can't believe i'm still your friend. Don't think i'll ever have the courage to outrightly say that we can no longer be friends but i definitely think that way whenever i see you.

Somehow felt this sudden burst of anger come out of nowhere. What a great way to ruin my night.

results

2012-01-09T16:24:00.004+08:00

Don't think i've ever been this disappointed with myself for a very long time. Expected too much from myself, but in the end there was nothing but failure in that result slip. Really thought i tried my best, but i can't help but have second thoughts if i really did. There needs to be a reason behind all this. There needs to be some sort of explanation to justify for the vast difference between what i had hoped for and the reality of it all. There needs to be.

Sorry daddy, i didn't make the grade.

last night.

2012-01-06T12:11:00.006+08:00

Last night was a roller coaster. A bloody 9-hour-long roller coaster. Felt like my head was about to explode from all the pounding within, and all i could see as i shut my eyes were neon coloured spirals floating in the air that flashed as and when they liked. Every fibre of my being was screaming sleep yet my brain refused to succumb and even when it finally did, it took every good memory and turned it into something so ugly that there was actually a point in time where i had to literally tell myself that all these occurrences were not actually happening. Dreamt of various people at various places and none of them were pleasant at all. On top of that, my stomach felt like it was about cave in and i could almost feel that horrid sour taste at the top of my throat. Last night was terrible.

new years!!

2012-01-01T22:19:00.003+08:00

This time, i've really let everyone down and the feeling is more agonizing than anything. Guilt seems to be the only thing i am feeling, and i am truly sorry for all the shit i've caused. Need to gain back that trust that i took so long to instill, yet took a night to break.

And every time you touch me, it's like an avalanche of emotions is sweeping me off my feet.

Is this what you really want?

Night terrors

2011-12-30T03:05:00.002+08:00

For what it's worth, I'm very glad that things turned out this way. Somehow wishing that next year wouldn't come. Been loving these past few days/weeks too much to let go of them. On the other hand though, 2011 wasn't a good year for me. Too many mistakes, and too much stress. Hopefully 2012 will be better.

cant sleeeep

2011-12-28T02:09:00.003+08:00

Trying to tell myself all that he had said was nothing but a waste of my brain capacity, but i think i've been hiding it for too long now and this delusion is starting to fade because there is not point in trying to avoid what might happen in the weeks to come. Also, i am starting to realize how opinionated i am actually, and the day that pride takes that fall, is when i will truly learn. Constantly need to remind myself to see the bigger picture. Sorry for the fragmented sentences. My brain is screaming sleep.

What was i to you?

2011-12-23T01:58:00.002+08:00

This feeling of nostalgia is finally kicking it, which is very normal especially during this time of the night. Been trying to get inside your head for the longest time and realized how incredibly naive i was, to actually think that we could go on like this even though i knew we obviously couldn't. Can't believe my head actually compromised with my heart to ignore all that was actually going on in your life. What was i possibly thinking? Feeling like my entire being is going to implode and self-destruct from all the chaos within. This has been absolutely ridiculous and i hope you get your shit together before I outrightly go insane.

what do you want?

2011-12-22T23:35:00.002+08:00

Life has consisted of working my ass off and feeling very confused, but it's been great so far. It's nice to feel like i'm busy with something and not rotting away at home watching kdramas (because that was how all my previous holidays have been like). So it's great. Who's complaining right?

Been thinking a lot (in the shower. don't know why), and it's pretty cool how we have to cry in order to take our first breath when we're born. So maybe pain is actually good for us.

Head's been spinning in circles for too long now, and you need to tell me what you want, because there is no way i can figure this out on my own.

Can't figure this out

2011-12-20T01:26:00.003+08:00

Ignorance is bliss so i guess i'll ignore whatever you say until there comes a point when i'll actually give this a shot.

Don't do this to me. To us. Because I'm scared.

happy birthday to myself

2011-12-13T22:30:00.004+08:00

Happy birthday, to myself!! Today was a well-spent day.

First day of work was surprisingly good! Had a great time getting to know the different co-workers of mine and they are one of the most genuine bunch of good-hearted people I've met. Never really thought I'd find such wonderful people all in one place, if you know what i mean. It is as if I've been welcomed into the home of one big family. Looking forward to every single day of work from now on!

I find it really hard to understand you. There are moments when my mind goes round and round just thinking about what you do and how you make me feel, and at the end of the day, everything goes to a waste because i still cannot figure anything out. You need to know how confusing you are, because i don't think i can take all this mind-boggling shit anymore. Been trying so hard to make it seem like it is totally alright, but i fail miserably every time.

You do know that this can be anything you want it to turn out to be.

Confused.

2011-12-11T00:35:00.002+08:00

There seems to be a problem between the current state my body is in and the current state my mind is in because I can be in a room full of people yet still feel alone. They talk about things that hold no substance. They do things that have no meaning; no definition. I constantly feel like I am a speck of dust; so fragile and so distant. So useless. Like a grain of sand. A fragment of light. I feel temporal.

But amidst the confusion, there are still moments of beauty, such as the one this morning, as i watched the sun rise from it's slumber. It reminded me that there are still experiences that are worth being part of, that the fragility of life is too precious to let go of. Sitting there, with my feet numb from walking, and my eyes too tired to focus, I made a promise to myself to never let the simple things slip away because those are the ones that truly matter.

I hope you don't slip away.

HK

2011-12-06T22:11:00.054+08:00

HONG KONG

Bye S'pore!

Day 2:

My hotel for the entire trip!

Ticket to the MTR!!

went to tsim sha tsui and saw the century trees!

These things are edible..they look like mats.

Cool ceiling at harbour city!

Had dinner here

Bought these lovely shoes

Day 3:

Brunch at this place near the hotel. We got there at 10, and queued until 11.30.. yes the food is that good.

This is hilarious

shopping!!

DADDY SO COOL.

Dinner at some jap place with a really long queue

Christmas decor in World Trade Centre!

Went to see this christmas tree. Apparently, the star is made up of swarovski crystals.

Bought these pair of shorts!

Day 4:

Went to the market near the hotel

Headed to ladies' market for some shopping!

Bought this cute bracelet! along with many other things

Tea at toast box!!

Day 5:

Hello kitty fest!!!

Bye hong kong!

Japan day 7

2011-11-28T14:38:00.022+08:00

Japan day 7

Left japan early in the morning!!

bye japan!!

the leaves remind me of my hair!

Had breakfast at the airport

Went window shopping!

Look an angmoh japanese doll hahahahhahha

In the plane!

So that's it for japan!!

hk photos coming up tomorrow!

Japan day 6

2011-11-28T12:14:00.051+08:00

Japan day 6

Went to the himeji castle in the morning

You see the huge concrete building thing? yeah it's because the main castle is under renovation..will be done in 5 years' time i think.

My ticket to the himeji castle and garden nearby!

There's a fish tail on the roof!!!

Ticket to the top of the main castle

View from up there

In ancient times, they used rope instead of nails! so tedious!

picture below shows the process of building a wall. (from left to right)

How the main castle is supposed to look like

Cute miniature people!

My numb hand. Really couldn't feel it at all. It was that cold.

For CA

Lovely garden near the castle

My souvenir from the himeji castle and nearby garden!

Lunch~

Dinner!

Japan day 5

2011-11-28T10:49:00.032+08:00

Japan day 5

Went to take a train ride through a forested area!

I'll just let the pictures do the talking!!

Headed to nara to see some deers and a temple

Dinner!

japan day 4

2011-11-27T22:18:00.033+08:00

Japan day 4

Woke up bright and early!

Headed out to see a golden temple!

Ticket to the golden temple

here it is!

Went shopping around the area

My dad playing with the bamboo handles. such a kid i swear.

LUNCH!!!

Cute statue outside the place we had our lunch

Went to an old street which is really really prettyyy

Went to some other place to eat and window shop

tea!

My bus ticket for the day!

For my dip-dye girls!!

Japan day 3

2011-11-26T12:57:00.051+08:00

Japan day 3

Travelled to kyoto and went to inari to visit this really cool place

There're rows and rows of all these orange things and it's so pretty!!

Sorry the next two pictures are quite gross, but it's so cool!! Must appreciate nature.

Miniature version of the orange thing.

Hello daddy!!

Bought some fortune cookies!

Train ticket!

Lunch! THIS is really good. I think it was one of the best things i've ever eaten on my trip. Usually i don't really like eating fish coz i hate the fishy smell of fish, but this piece of fish tasted so fabulous!!And it wasn't the least bit fishy!

Went shopping at some street which is really pretty, like olden-style pretty hahaha

Saw some geishas

The leaves so nice right!

Had to warm ourselves up at a cafe

The food arrived!

Pretty kyoto!

My ticket to some really nice temple hahaha

Waiting for my mom to get ready for dinner..

Dinner!

So cute! there's a maple leaf thingy!

Crazily puny toilet in the hotel at kyoto!!

Japan day 2

2011-11-26T11:31:00.018+08:00

Japan day 2

Went to the aquarium in Osaka! It was huuuuuge! Didn't take a picture of it though. It's behind this ferris wheel.

Went to eat some good stuff at this place! I can't remember the names of japanese places for nuts hahaha

Their octopus ball! Which tasted amazing! as usual.

Tori-q!! Damn delish!

Went to see some japanese dolls.

Camwhored while my mom was busy picking her doll

Finally bought this doll!

Other stuff they sold in the shop

The owner so cute, gave me this jellyfish(?) ring that lights up because my mom bought a doll from his shop!

My ticket for the subway!

DINNER!!

Happygirl95 (because of the food)

Oh!and i bought this pretty mirror from the doll shop earlier on!

Japan day 1

2011-11-26T10:58:00.010+08:00

Japan day 1

My flight was at night so i didn't get to sleep much on the plane, which made me very angsty when i reached Osaka hahaha and the weather did not help at all. It was raining. And i didn't have an umbrella. Oh and just so you know the rain in japan isn't like singapore; it lasts throughout the day, so it was raining and raining and raining..

But thankfully, we went shopping! so that lifted my mood :)

The shopping place is called shinsaibashi and it's HUMONGOUS

Lunch! Which was amazing!

(Everything i ate on this trip was amazing btw)

But the portion was REAAALLY big

Finally back at the hotel!

Dinner!

The stuff i bought:

A hairband

A hairtie

Plus another boyfriend shirt which you will see in my other photos!

Back from Japan!!

2011-11-25T22:03:00.001+08:00

Hello lovelies! i'm back!!!

Photos will be up tomorrow.

morning.

xxx

bye bye!

2011-11-18T18:29:00.004+08:00

Bye ya'll!

heading to the airport now!

cya in a bit! x

Be safe ;)

Dip-dye!

2011-11-18T00:13:00.005+08:00

Hello there!

I love my hair right now i really really do! And it only costs 17 bucks! What a great deal hahaha

my mood right now ^^

On a side note, i still can't upload videos from the cam to the mac )':

Os ARE OVERRRRRRRR

2011-11-16T11:50:00.002+08:00

THAT'S RIGHT. Os ARE OVER, BABY!!!!!!

sorry this is coming in a little late. I was too busy playing yesterday to celebrate the ending of Os.

But yes, it really is over, and i cannot even explain how elated I am right now.

Went to the beach at sentosa with the girls and I wanted to make a vlog but my camera couldn't set up in my computer!):< So i need to wait for my dad to get his mac from the office before I can upload everything.

So stay tuned for that!!

2011-11-11T11:11:00.002+08:00

I wonder why are tears salty.

11:11, thinking what good would it do if i made a wish, because the likelihood of it coming through is negligible. Made one anyway, but honestly, i believe my birthday wish would be a better wish than an 11:11 wish because it would be special and no one would be cramming all up in my space to make a wish. Yes, i know i sound like a child.

Can't wait to get my camera later, guys!! Will update later!

We found love in a hopeless place

2011-11-06T10:48:00.003+08:00

Come home to me,

come home to me,

back into my arms.

home where you'll belong.

My life so far : Feeling very confused, overwhelmed by the fact the Os are almost over, wanting to spend so much more time with you and hearing your voice, depressed that my jacuzzi isn't working (don't worry guys, we'll figure something out), extremely excited for December and the high hopes it'll bring, having faith that someday you'll know your purpose in life.

Show me how you feel.

Rainy Mood.

2011-11-02T13:03:00.002+08:00

Finally changed my blogskin because I was getting bored of my previous one and all the random girls all over.

Rainy mood right now. Looking out my window and what I am seeing is indeed very spectacular. I really do love the rain and how it never fails to overwhelm my senses and every fibre of being. I believe rain was created by God to make everyone a little more appreciative of nature, because, how can you not?

Terribly glad that physical geog is over because it is one of the subjects that i love but hate studying for, and i am glad it didn't kill my love for nature because I would be horribly sad if it did. Now, I know more about the things that shaped this Earth without actually having to study them. Which is pretty great actually.

On to bio.

Yet another subject i love but hate studying for.

Your eyes.

2011-10-30T19:37:00.003+08:00

I constantly feel like I am wasting time, and the worst part about it is that I am not doing anything about it when I should be. Procrastination at it's peak.

Your face is the only thing that keeps me going.

Angel with a shotgun

2011-10-27T18:57:00.002+08:00

Time seemed to have grown wings very suddenly and I feel as if I am constantly in a race with it; never quite winning.

Too afraid to tell anybody because I am scared of what thoughts might run through their minds and what actions and words that they might do and speak. But it is also very frustrating not being able to tell anyone. Currently in a state of dilemma, but time, being itself, won't let me think straight or in a logical manner.

Infuriating.

What would you do if i told you that I la-la-la-loved you.

In other news,

1.Lovin my daily vitamin water yumyum, thanks jannylove xxxxx

2. Today's weather was incredibly bipolar. Woke up burning, and did my paper freezing. It was extremely annoying, but nonetheless, love the weather just after it rains.

3. Felt like I was in Korea yesterday at spins. Literally surrounded with Koreans. It was nice but strange at the same time and I wanted so badly to understand the words that they spoke.

4. Emath was surprisingly brilliant. Hope tomorrow will not disappoint.

Come on, skinny love

2011-10-24T21:04:00.002+08:00

I told you be patient.

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced.

I told you to be kind.

Bon Iver's voice is inexplicably soothing that whatever sound he makes comes out beautiful.

Taking awhile to let it sink.

Don't you think the ambiguity of the future makes it all the more captivating? Absolutely anything can happen. And the choices you make at this very second may affect the situations that occur the next. The immensity of it all makes it quite hard to believe that I am actually part of it. A tad bit scary actually.

I think being mad is far better than being sane.

i tried.

2011-10-23T12:18:00.003+08:00

And i realized, it isn't possible to fix everyone.

In other news, my life so far has been consisting of: Having the weirdest dreams concurrently,studying but feeling like i'm not studying hard enough,trying to build real relationships,somehow feeling very excited for Os to start,smelling the freedom that waits for me on the 15th of November,feeling the pain of not-so-fortunate children through geography textbooks, wanting my faith in Him to be more permanent, wanting to spend more time with the people that want to do the same with me.

You make my heart have premature ventricular contractions

2011-10-18T21:11:00.002+08:00

Officially an ex-mg student, and just thinking about that scares me a little. The feeling of nostalgia is beginning to settle in all too soon.

You and I have come to a point where I do not know where this will take us anymore. It has come to point where all i can do is wait. I really hate it. I really hate waiting.

In other news, there are 6 more days to the start of the Os.

Starvation

2011-10-18T21:02:00.000+08:00

Starvation has negative effects on a person's health. When starving people do not have enough food or body fat to meet their daily energy needs, their bodies burn muscle tissue for energy. As a result, their bodies become skeletally thin. If starvation continues over a long period of time, the organs in their bodies will become permanently damaged and the people will eventually die. According to the Food and Agricultural Organisation (FAO), about 25,000 people die of starvation every day. Out of these 25,000, more than 16,000 are children. In other words, one child in the world dies from starvation every five seconds. This means that about two children would have died in the time you took to read this paragraph.

Time is running out.

2011-10-07T15:04:00.005+08:00

You're like the iced water i gulp down after eating a whole bowl of really spicy laksa. The chill feels nice, but it never lasts forever. The numbing cold slowly disappears, and the spiciness comes back, worse than before.

Been feeling very grateful for the friends I have, not just because of the hysteria of our conversations,but more than anything, because we constantly build each other up.

In other news,I cannot wait for tomorrow when I cut my hair. It 's really very frizzy and dry and gross.

"I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing. If I do an interview with photographs people desperately want to change me - dye my hair blonder, pluck my eyebrows, give me a fringe. Then there’s the choice of clothes. I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that’s not me. I feel uncomfortable. I’d never go out in a mini-skirt. It’s nothing to do with protecting the Hermione image. I wouldn’t do that. Personally, I don’t actually think it’s even that sexy. What’s sexy about saying, ‘I’m here with my boobs out and a short skirt, have a look at everything I’ve got?’ My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder. - Emma Watson

(':

2011-09-19T17:46:00.001+08:00

Me: Pa, do you love me?

Daddy: Of course. Why?

Me: Nah, i just had to know.

Me: Goodnight

Daddy: Goodnight

I really love saturdays.

2011-09-11T16:26:00.003+08:00

Yes i really really love Saturdays. Here's my ranking of the different days in the week:

1.Saturdays

2.Sundays

3.Fridays

4.Wednesdays (because I have no tuitions AT ALL)

5. Thursdays

6. Tuesdays

7. Mondays

Ok that was a complete waste of my time.

I have been thinking about the word 'okay'. Just look at it. O k a y. Don't you think the word looks weirder and weirder by the second? Really.

Actually, it's a good thing some people don't even know i blog. I'd like to think I'm a loser with no friends and nobody's really interested in what i do and why i do the things i do. Which is true.

I like to think about things to blog about at night, when all my thoughts from the day come rushing to fill the empty spaces in my brain. However, when dawn breaks, I forget 80% of it and don't bother anymore. Last night was one of the nights when my mind was exceptionally active for so no apparent reason, so i had more thoughts than usual.

I really hate the tension in the house. I can barely breathe sometimes. Miss the old times when I watched late night movies with the mother and father by my side. Hope everything settles soon.

Been loving the weather more and more recently. It's already September and hopefully it'll be gloomy and drizzly for the rest of the year, which is the kind of weather i adore the most.

Also, I have been wanting to shop really badly for the past week but it is getting quite impossible with so many birthdays coming up. I wished i had more money.

You have no idea how many times the thought of telling you everything ran through my mind, but what good would it do if you knew?

I think I am a very very emotional person, which can be to my disadvantage sometimes, if not, most of the time.

Love you like a love song baby.

2011-09-02T22:21:00.006+08:00

I have been slacking around recently, probably too much, and it really isn't that good because i can't seem to wake up and get back to studying for Os.

I was listening to chester see's songs recently because I really love that guy, and I was wondering how a boy can feel so strongly towards a girl and if someone has ever felt that strongly towards me before. It seems almost strange that a boy can feel like that towards a girl, i don't know why, but it just feels that way.

I also don't get how someone 'can die a little'. Wouldn't it be better if you just died completely and not be stuck midway between being dead and alive?

I swear I just smelled my mother's scent a second ago. Even though she's not even in the house.

I miss her.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about how my generation loves to club. Honestly. I don't understand why people my age like to go to clubs and get wasted when they are definitely under-aged. Not so much of the fact that they are under-aged, but because they choose to make stupid decisions like that. Clubbing is honestly a waste of time and I don't get how you can gain so much pleasure in doing something so useless. Firstly, it's so crowded that you can barely breathe, and secondly, everything and everyone bombards your personal space and how can you possibly have fun when everyone's all up in your face? I understand some people just want to have a good time with friends and all, but there are so many ways to having a good time without consuming alcohol and dancing with strangers. That's my point of view anyway. Kids nowadays.

Have been looking at this string that ties around my index finger to form a ribbon for a whole minute now.

I hate how everyone is migrating nowadays. I hate it so much. I really do.

Everyone should listen to 'Asleep' by The Smiths. Only listen to it when you're alone, lying on your bed and closing your eyes, because it sounds the best like that.

Maybe I just smell a lot like my mother.

Built to last

2011-08-23T21:29:00.003+08:00

I am beginning to see life in a whole new different perspective, and it is periods like these that I really do believe we all need change because it cultivates the maturity in us. Been hanging with Jan a lot and I really thank God for such an amazing friend like her. She constantly reminds me how God must be the basis of every friendship. Without God, the words you say to a friend becomes pretty shallow. There is no substance, and soon, everything will just collapse like a building built on sand. I love how my dad and I are becoming pretty tight recently, and how he would tease me ever so annoyingly like how he did when I was a child. It gives me a very nostalgic feeling that I really like. Also, I am truly happy that my dad is smiling more because I hate to see him frown. Been trying to get you off my mind and it works throughout the day, until my day comes to a closure and I just lay in bed, thinking about the various things I could have told you that happened during the day, and imagining you laugh at me. I like how when you smile, every feature of your face becomes so uniquely genuine that it's almost impossible not to smile as well

You saw the very day we'd fall away from You

2011-08-17T15:19:00.003+08:00

Psalms 142:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul."

Recently, I have found it harder and harder to believe that there truly is a God that loves me. I led my life with a mindset, that if God was real, He will show himself to me when the time is right. But the more I asked for Him to show himself, the more I felt as if everything was such a blur. It became increasingly difficult to find God and feel God. Time and time again, I asked myself "what's the point, eliza"; what's the point in giving up your life to a higher being? What if one day, you find out that it was all a lie? What if one day you find out that there wasn't a God after all? That the things you put so much effort in doing, has all gone to waste? And day after day, I led my life as it was, without a single clue what I wanted out if it.

Yet, for some strange reason, one thought stayed rooted in me, even through all the uncertainties that I faced. Two words; missionary doctor. I knew that by hook or by crook, I was going to be a doctor that spreads the gospel to the ends of the Earth. There was no explanation for that strong feeling I had towards being a missionary doctor. I just knew I had to be one. It became more apparent when my church recently got into the whole idea of sending people out on missions. I remember during one service, I was doodling on my bulletin, and wrote the word 'missions' without really thinking. It was only after I saw what I wrote, that I realized i missed out an 'i', and it spelt 'missons'. At first, I didn't really think much about it, but afterwards, I realized what God was trying to prompt at me. 'I' was supposed to be part of 'missons'. I was supposed to be part of missions. And then just yesterday, a friend of mine showed me this article about how this girl got to experience heaven and hell in 24 hours. It talks about how there were so many being thrown into the pit of hell, while so little actually joined God in heaven. When I read it, I felt God speak to me. It was as if he was almost shouting in my ear, 'GO! GO! Go and spread my word to the weak, to the hungry, to the lost, to those who have yet to know me'. Instantly, I knew that there was definitely a God, and that he was more real than anything. I knew that there are a lot of things that had to be done. I knew that I was on this Earth for a purpose, that I was not going to waste away my one God-given life.

I believe in a simple thing called faith. Even though we cannot physically see God, and sometimes, through the mundanity of life, it might be hard to actually believe that God exists, I believe that faith will see us through; the faith that knowing He is real in our lives and believing that He has a greater purpose for each and every one of us. Not forgetting the Holy Bible. The very thing that breathes the life of God. If God was not real, how can there be so many occurrences and incidents that witnessed God's presence? There definitely is a God.

From that very day, at a young age of 6, when I dreamt of an angel in a white robe that whispered the words 'Do not fear, for I am with you' into my ear, I knew that God was with me. Even when I strayed away, God gave me friends that pulled me back to Him. He gave me dreams and visions that reminded me that He was there even when I felt He wasn't. The random shivers down my spine whenever I prayed; the raced heartbeat whenever I called for His presence to fill me; the warmth that spreads throughout my body whenever I was being prayed for. All these instances are the very reminders God gives me to reassure me that He was real. Yet, how could I be so blind?

I am sorry, Lord. For breaking your heart over and over again. I truly am.

I know you are smiling from ear to ear right now.

I love you.

God is definitely real.

2011-08-16T14:22:00.003+08:00

Till today, there are many things that are still left unanswered, but I know for sure, that throughout every uncertainty, God is there.

Came across this article from a dear friend of mine, and it really touched my heart and at the same time, left a strong imprint on it, to see heaven and hell from a whole new perspective. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the fact that my friend chanced upon it, and decided to tell me about it, is definitely not coincidental. In turn, your chancing upon my blog and seeing the link down below, is probably part of the plan that God has purposefully made for you.

http://dcicons.org/forum/topics/angelica-zambrano-dead-for

I swear it will change your life, like how it changed mine.

Will blog again later/tomorrow.

Mhm.

2011-08-15T14:56:00.002+08:00

Today has been a total wreck. Day started off with chem being such a pain in the ass, i can't even explain how careless I was. Didn't bother counting the questions I lost marks in because that would make me even more depressed than I already was. After the paper, as it was raining pretty heavily and I didn't have any umbrella, I had to stay in school (and waste time) with Mak, Licia and Joanne. Left school after the rain simmered down a bit. Was waiting for my bus when I realized I left my wallet in school, so I had to walk all the way back in the drizzle which became heavier as I walked. I was so pissed off with myself for having such bad memory, and the rain seemed to agree with me. Reached school, found Licia, told her I lost my wallet and asked if I could borrow her phone to call Mak to see if she kept my wallet. Called Mak on the second floor which was a total mistake. Teacher caught me using the phone, and for some strange reason, I thought I could get away with it so I walked away from her. She obviously asked me to come back and asked why I was using my phone and all. Broke down in front of her, and she became very nice about the whole situation. Was thankful for that actually.

In the end, I found my wallet so praise God for that.

Looking back, it seemed very strange that I would just suddenly cry like that, but at the moment, it all seemed like everything and everyone was out to get me and bring me down. Even the weather. I was very disorientated and I guess I let my frustration get to me.

Glad it all worked out in the end.

Special shoutout to Joel who happened to chance upon my blog! It was nice having someone care so much about how I was doing, even though we have drifted quite a bit. Thank you for your poem! It was real sweet, though I've actually read it before. That poem made me cry, and reading it again seemed like an assurance that God was still there and it was comforting having that thought in my head. Hope you are doing fine, and we should catch up soon!

Can i just give up

2011-08-11T18:05:00.003+08:00

I am such an expert at procrastinating. I have yet to get my lazy ass off the laptop and study for my human geog paper tomorrow. But here I am, weighing out the consequences I might face if I do not study for my paper tomorrow. Someone please slap me in the face and demand that I get my act together. I really need some wake-up-to-reality-you-bitch right now.

Oh, and I thought being a student was easy.

Guess the grass on the other side is always greener.

Should I give up, or should I just go study H.Geog. Even if it leads nowhere. -in tune to Chasing Pavements by Adele-

*snort*

You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.

2011-08-10T11:43:00.003+08:00

Prelims have been killing me slowly. Come to think of it, I really want to do well for it, which amazes me sometimes because I can be studying for 3 hours straight and not feel tired. Yet no matter how hard I study, I still feel as if I am never fully prepared. There are still the sweaty palms and cold feet whenever I walk into the examination hall. There are still the sudden pangs of anxiety that hit me just before I flip to the first page of the exam script. These instances don't ever go away even when I try to tell myself to stop being such a wimp. Someone please help me.

I believe you were a lesson I had to learn, because without all that has happened, I wouldn't know the importance of choosing the right people to invest my time in. I would like to tell you that i am glad we have reached this stage of our friendship, where everything has come to a closure. For real.

They really aren't kidding when they say life is one hell of a emotional roller coaster.

TO CA

2011-08-10T11:31:00.006+08:00

SHOW ME YOURS, LOVE.

sorry for the sucky quality. i used my sucky webcam because i was lazy to take a proper picture hehe

see you tomorrowwwww ^^

Because this is how i want to lead my life.

2011-08-03T17:02:00.004+08:00

If I ever had a chance to talk to the 2-year-old me, I would tell her not to let go of the very things that make her the person she is, and not to give up on love, because no matter how many times it breaks you, it eventually gives you the strength to go on. I would tell her to treasure every single minute of her life because every moment counts and once it is gone, it's gone forever. I would tell her to take note of everything around her, to sync her footsteps to the rhythm of nature and to never lose sight of the beauties of this world. I would tell her that whenever she feels like her heart is shattering, to look into her mother's eyes and know that everything was going to be alright. I would tell her that whenever she feels like giving up, to look at her father's smile and conquer the obstacles that she is being faced with. I would tell her to stay strong even when times get difficult, because in the end, the hurt and rejection will go away. I would tell her to be the independent woman i know she is.

Are you happy?

2011-07-17T13:59:00.004+08:00

I think I have reached a point in my life, where I truly do not wish for anything else, but genuine happiness. Pure joy, from knowing that what you possess is sufficient, and there is no need to ask for more. I think that when the day comes, when I learn to see the good in the worst of bad, my life would be complete.

Waiting outside the lines.

2011-07-14T22:49:00.002+08:00

She talks about love. They talk about love. I see love. All around me.

But I do not feel love.

I am waiting.

It will happen.

I believe it will happen.

I like to tell myself that everything is okay.

2011-07-13T17:37:00.005+08:00

It amazes me how there are so many organs and arteries and capillaries and tissues and bones and ligaments and muscles in my entire body and how they all work together to keep me breathing and thinking. So many things happening concurrently in this body of mine, even when I am unconscious. So so so mind boggling. Don't you think?

I really enjoyed the time I had earlier on with my dad, when we went to get my jab at the hospital. He and I have not had those kinds of conversations in a very long time, and I was glad we had time to talk. He is such an amazing person, and I will never forget the things he say and the lessons he teach because they are the very things that would mold me to the person I eventually want to be. That one a half hours with him was well spent.

I have been feeling very at ease today, and I like to keep it that way. I honestly have not felt this feeling of not having a reason to cry my eyes out, in a very long time. My only prayer for now, is that this feeling will never ever leave.

So let me make a deal.

If he ever stops being an atheist and starts to believe in a greater power that is You, I will go back.

Wholeheartedly.

And I really mean it.

Writing it here makes it seem more official for some reason, and You can use this as evidence if I ever go against my word.

Relieved.

2011-07-11T21:42:00.002+08:00

Earlier on, i was looking through pictures of my dad back when he was just a little kid, all the way until he was a grown teenager. It was a good feeling to see my dad in the same phase of my life; almost comforting, because sometimes, it's hard to believe that he was once an insecure youth like me. But i swear, my dad was one hell of a goodlooking kid back then, and I am not just saying that. He looked almost unrecognizable in those photos. Sorry dad HAHAHA. I love you very very much, and you know it :)

On to other news, I swear the weather was blooooooooooooooooooooooody hot today! I was dying just walking for 5 minutes in the intense heat! Honestly, I was pretty sure I was going to faint any moment, and my entire body was like on fire. It was unimaginable. Why singapore, why.

I think I finally get it. It all clicked in my brain, as if someone readjusted the jigsaw puzzles in my head, and bam! The big picture can finally be seen. I know this was what I was supposed to do all along, but suddenly, it made the most sense to me and I was glad that my mind took over my heart. I do not know if this feeling is temporal, but I do hope it will last. I will do everything and anything to convince myself that this is the right choice for me.

Funny how i feel for him like how he feels for her.
Hilarious, even.

I guess I need my life to change.

2011-07-10T11:35:00.003+08:00

Her eyes were closed, and her mouth was twisted into a gentle smile. Her arms swung across her friend, and they swayed to the beat of the music. A tear rolled down her cheek, but she did not bother sweeping it away.

My eyes shifted to other people around me. Their heads lifted up, and their arms raised. It was as if fire was falling down and touching every single soul in that room, but I was the only one stuck in an ice cube. Detached. Awkward. Foreign.

I like to tell myself that shit happens to everyone, and I should probably stop whining and look at the good things in life instead. I like to tell myself that I should stop dragging other people into a situation that I have created. I like to tell myself not to fake happiness, but be genuinely glad. I like to tell myself, that it will all be alright one day.

I hate being young and insecure.

We're gonna make it i swear.

2011-07-08T21:14:00.002+08:00

It scares me to see people put on a facade and be so good at doing it. I do not know why I feel like I need to know what is on your mind 24/7. Maybe it is fact that I know you are hiding everything from me, and I cannot stand the feeling of not being able to help you.

Drown me with your secrets. Drown me with everything. Anything. Just don't be sad anymore.

I don't know how to be someone that you would miss.

2011-07-06T17:45:00.005+08:00

As i opened the window, I felt the cool night breeze caressing my face, and heard the crickets shrill ever so loudly beneath the whisper of the wind. At that very moment, I wished that right in the middle of the blackness of the night, there was a gigantic force that would suck me up. I wished that maybe I could escape for awhile. I wished that time would stop and let me live in the wonderland I make up in my head.

Because I can no longer take this agonizing pain.

The breeze continued to touch my face. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, filling my entire nasal passage with the smell of the night. As I exhaled, the feeling engulfed my entire being, and before long, the feeling became thoughts, and the thoughts became words, and the words became sentences. I was suddenly the speaker and the listener all at one time. At times, the wind listened in, agreeing with a harsh blow that sent shivers down my spine. Other times, it flowed past me, leaving behind a smell of indifference in its trail.

It felt good having everything let out into the blankness of the night. The once clean canvas was now splattered with my dirt-filled words. My mind cleared and I closed the window. I got into bed.

It was lovely in bed with the night outside the window.

rewind

2011-07-05T16:36:00.002+08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately, probably too much, which has resulted in the current dilemma i am facing. I blame myself mostly for everything, because I was given a choice whether to go or not to go, and i chose to go which was the very mistake from the start. But I wished people could understand the current state I am in and stop building up the tension that is already lingering from person to person. I wished everyone would just calm down. Maybe things were never supposed to get this complicated, but being the angsty teens we are, it became like this. I do not blame anyone for what is happening because I can totally understand why people did what they did and said what they said. I really just wish everything could go back to normal because normal was problems-free and to be honest, I really liked it that way. But I guess what is done is done, and I was the root cause of every conflict that started. Sorry.

:(

2011-07-03T10:38:00.002+08:00

Nothing hurts more than knowing your good friend doesn't actually give a shit about the current state you're in.

Thanks a lot.

I knew it'd turn out like this.

2011-06-28T21:30:00.002+08:00

I will not be weak. Not again. Because that is not who I want to be. I am pretty sure this will turn out really bad. I could sense it's arrival in that moment you looked at me for so long that I felt your eyes bore into mine. Just thinking about you makes shivers go down my spine, and I am not going to fall into that same trap ever again. That is why I am going to be strong. These four walls are never going to crumble so easily every again.

There is a high possibility that I am overthinking this.

I wish for the best.

2011-06-26T20:17:00.004+08:00

You really think you're in control? I think you're crazy. I think you're bloody insane. You're totally clueless of what you're doing; stuck between the reality that happens and the fantasy you make of it. You don't have a single idea what you want to do neither do you know how you wish to feel. Truth is, you're ridiculously lost in the weave of delusions you make up in your head. Look in the bloody mirror, eliza. You're not in control at all.

I will not worry for you.

2011-06-19T22:41:00.003+08:00

Life is such an ass i swear.

I am going to go crazy one day. The kind that scares people. Not saying I'm not already, but no. seriously.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

it's all good now.

I think.

I hope.

I wished.

God this hurts.

This fucking hurts.

Why does it hurt so much.

Somebody tell me why.

It's this feeling knowing what to do yet being totally clueless on how to do it.

You know?

I am sorry if i sound like a whiny bitch but honestly, this is the only place where my words will not be judged.

I am on the verge of dying of too much drinking

I'm a poem with no rhyme

I'm a victim of a crime

I'm a writer with no pen

Desperately searching for ways to write again.

Fuck this.

2011-06-17T23:09:00.003+08:00

Because this is what life does to you, it makes you go through so much shit that you can't even tell what's right from wrong. All these damn dilemmas are the very outcome of what life throws at you over and over again. It's like being underwater and just as you reach the surface, when your lungs are bursting for air, it pulls you down again, and the light you see from above the blue world you're in drifts further and further away. So many damn voices in my head telling me different things. So many damn memories that flash split second after split second. These things that happen concurrently in my head give birth to the decisions I make so do not blame me for what I decide as I cannot control what life has made me to become. I wish I could tell you what really happens to me. I wish I could tell you why I desired that. But it's too difficult. I can't even trust myself, how can I possibly trust you?

You're a hot mess and I'm falling for you.

2011-06-09T22:29:00.003+08:00

If I could say what I wanna say

I'd say I wanna blow you away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight?

If I could say what I wanna see

I wanna see you go down on one knee

'Marry me today'

Yes, I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say

I am sitting here thinking of the 4 hours I have spent with you and I really think there is something majorly wrong with the way my brain works because i cannot seem to get over the fact that I have spent those 4 hours with you and you alone. I guess you could call me sentimental, but i will treasure those presents, no matter how simple, with everything that I have got, and more, because those few things are the only evidence I have that proves you still think of me no matter how far we have drifted.

You were one of the few who could make me feel warm during a movie without even touching me.

Donnie Darko.

2011-06-06T22:36:00.006+08:00

Something tells me that frank from donnie darko, is real. We all have that psycho voice inside our heads controlling our movements and our thoughts. Although it may not be a man with a bloody eye, in a bunny suit. But that voice definitely lives inside of us. It's not another person. It's not someone foreign, although it seems like it. It's our own minds. Somewhere in your head, that little voice shrills so loud it seems like someone is shouting right inside your ear. And suddenly, you become your own slave.

I have never felt this strongly about someone before. Your face. The very thing that ignites that burnt out flame in me again and again. I don't think you quite know how important you are to me. I am starting to get quite worried because this is becoming quite serious and i am totally clueless on how to solve this never-ending problem once and for all.

I wish.

2011-06-05T19:08:00.002+08:00

I wish I could disappear. No not in the morbid sense. Not the kind where you wish you could just vanish into thin air and nothing would be left of you but dust and bones. Not that kind of disappear. What I am trying to say is that I wish I could travel to some faraway place that even English becomes a foreign language. A place to start afresh, where I don't have to pretend to be somebody else. A place to meet new people, to build brand new relationships. A place where i can live my life the way i always wanted to. A new beginning. Not just a new page, but a whole new book. That kind of disappear.

I blame it on the environment i am in.

2011-06-04T22:54:00.002+08:00

I just want life to hit me like two cars crashing head-on into each other. I want to feel the the crushing of my bones and the screaming of my lungs. I just want to feel something,anything, to remind me why i am still alive because this numbness brings nothing but agony. It is as if my soul is in a prison of it's own and the key has vanished into thin air. It is as if i have lost my ability to feel, to emote. I am still breathing, but everything inside of me is dead. I want to feel the rhythm of drums pulsating throughout me, or see the blur visions of flickering neon lights, or taste burning alcohol as it travels down my throat, or inhale tobacco and nicotine until my lungs are filled to the brim with it. I just want to feel free. To break out of this damn cage i have created for myself.

Call me reckless, but i am nothing but a teenager.

Tell me again why i am still breathing.

2011-06-03T12:20:00.002+08:00

My heartbeat pounds throughout my entire being, my head is swirling; neon spirals randomly appearing in the darkness that i see, the voices become louder as i try to shut them out, my feet become cold and my stomach twists into a knot. I feel a frown crease at the centre of my forehead, and i let out a small sigh, trying to calm down the hurricane that takes place inside of me. The spirals stop spinning and your face appears. Your smile spreads across your face from ear to ear, and your eyes were shaped into half-moons. The crease disappears and everything simmers down. The beating of my heart wasn't the least bit frightening, but instead, the sounds comforted me. The next thing I knew, it was morning.

Moments.

2011-06-02T19:53:00.004+08:00

I sit here and watch the hue of colours as people walk past me. My eyes focusing on nothing but the emptiness of space. I shift my eyes to the spot where you and I looked at each other. That moment was so brief, yet i can still remember every single detail. Your face was brighter than anyone else who walked past us, and as i stood there, i saw the perfection in you that reminded me of why i loved you in the first place. Your eyes bore through mine, and i felt like my legs were going to give way because for that very second, you were all i saw and i couldn't believe how lucky i was to have you in my life.

Today, i learnt to forgive you. A certain someone showed me how holding on to the hate and hurt would eventually make me become a very bitter person, and after all, life is too short to be anything but happy. I saw past all the anger and sadness and learnt to let go of the very thing that blinded me from seeing and experiencing all the beautiful moments constantly taking place around me. I realized I've been clinging on to something so pointless and it was up to me to choose whether to let it take control of me or to forget about it completely. I chose the latter. So i wish you all the best on this journey that is your life, and i just want to let you know that as long as your heart is still beating and you are still breathing, i am happy for you. I thank you for everything that we have shared even though it wasn't much but it was one of the best periods of my life that i would never forget. I sincerely hope you will not forget me because i am certain i will remember you. In ten years' time, i may not remember your face nor your name, but i will remember the moments we had and the times we laughed so much we didn't care if people stared, because those were the best memories i have of you. It doesn't matter if i am no longer your friend and silence is all that can be heard between us. Just know that my only wish for you, is to be happy.

Sorry guys for this chunk of words that may not mean a thing to you, but it feels good to have written it all out, even though i am pretty sure he will never read this.

Sweet dreams are made of this

2011-06-01T23:51:00.008+08:00

Johnny Depp, please bloody marry me. Your eccentricity makes me want to pinch your cheeks and plant a kiss right smack on your lips. Though you're more than twice my age, I still love you very much.

Caught Pirates of the Caribbean with Aud and it was really quite good. I liked it. Too bad Orlando and Keira weren't in the movie, loved those two a hell lot. Good thing there was the cute christian boy (he carries his bible all around how cute is that) with his sexy blonde hair. i wanted to die when he kissed the mermaid. But at least the mermaid was pretty. If it was some ugly mermaid i would've just punched her face because her lips wouldn't be worthy of touching his. But Johnny Depp was still the best. Hello, his thick as hell eyeliner looked amazing on him wtshit. Not an easy thing to pull off for a guy.

There was this one part where the christian boy named the mermaid 'serena' (srsly?). And i was like "HUH he anyhow one uh?", and aud was like 'no lah God told him one'. i think that was bloody hilarious i was laughing out loud and everyone was staring. HAHAHAHA.

Ate XLBs at din tai fung with shan, aud and cindy. They were yummy, but i scalded my tongue a little because i was so freaking hungry and couldn't wait to eat it. Fell in love with aud's rainbow rice cake thing that she ordered because it was so fantastic. It was like sweet cha siew bao bread, but thicker. It was really good.

I think i would love Singapore a hell lot more if she had nicer scenery. Don't you think it would be so much fun to go on long train rides with mountains and lakes zooming past? i really like that feeling. It would be amazing if Singapore wasn't so small. Or maybe they could have left nature as it was, and not chop down all the trees to make room for everything else. I think what would really make my life complete was if Singapore had four seasons. If that was the case, I wouldn't be thinking of migrating. Singapore's weather has to take a chill pill. Like literally.

I NEED TO GET MY MAXI PROM DRESS SOON CA&SHAN&WHOEVER ELSE, COME WITH ME PLS PLS PLS.

How can you not love this face?

No, I never want to see your face.

2011-05-31T23:45:00.003+08:00

Today was a rather fulfilling day. Went out with wey and nut to haji lane. We spent quite a short while finding our way there since none of us has been there more than once, so that was good. The thing about haji lane is that the stuff are really pretty and quite cheap, but i hate how we have to walk so much because well, it's a lane of shops. But it was all worth it. Bought this really cool top that was $23 when it looked like it was $50 and we all knew we had to get it. Unfortunately, they only had one piece for each colour and nut and I really loved the navy blue one, but in the end she let me have it because she was too kind. Love you nut^^ Oh and Nut and I bought this really pretty off-shoulder dress that was $30 (bloody cheap) and it was a really great deal hehehe. Not forgetting that crazy girl wey who bought so many stuff,and her wallet seemed to be replenishing itself with cash it was quite unbelievable. I like how the shops at haji lane are all so cosy, and most of them are on the second floor and you have to walk up a flight of stairs before getting to the shop. It gives me a really unique shopping experience. I also like how each shop smells bloody amazing, like those candles you burn and they give off this incense that makes you want to sleep. I love it. You all should really check that place out!

I am currently having a lot of thoughts in my head, but I am too tired to put them into words and my feet really hurt from walking so much earlier on so goodnight.

?

2011-05-30T21:05:00.002+08:00

Throw roses, or throw darts?

Bulletproof

2011-05-29T16:38:00.007+08:00

Sick of feeling tired and dissatisfied because they do nothing but disappoint. They're all the same, not once do they give me a sense of comfort that is genuine. Longing to be in their arms but being pushed aside countless times. Wanting to be the centre of their attention but they don't even look. Hoping they will love me but indifference is all they feel. So maybe it's my lesson, and maybe it's my time to learn it right once and for all. Building up walls of steel around that would never crumble because of a kiss on the cheek. Sealing up my tear ducts so that my pillows won't ever be wet again. Closing my heart and piling it up with stone, preventing them from getting in so easily. Because I've let them in before, but they took advantage of everything that was the least bit innocent inside of me. I can't say I miss them, because i can no longer remember their face or the way they spoke. But no doubt they each took away a piece of me and threw it far across the rivers and oceans and mountains and valleys like a piece of unwanted trash that was of no use to them. Yet, what is left of me suddenly became stronger than it was before and even though there are tattered holes in every part of me, it doesn't matter because i'm not weak anymore. The bullets can no longer bring me down.

Ballet

2011-05-27T22:29:00.002+08:00

Damn pirouttes and fouettes are driving me crazyyy. Been doing nothing but practicing them just now. Didn't even touch my chinese test papers. Okay apart from that thirty minutes of shuffling with my brother. I must say, it was pretty hilarious coz we looked like retards running on the spot in the centre of the living room. Oh and we probably angered the neighbours a tad bit since we were blasting PRA on the speakers that we could literally feel the floor shaking. It was funnnn. Okay back to the point, I've decided and I really want to do well in ballet. Not mediocre but good enough to make people stop and stare. Yes, it'll probably take me lotsa blisters and aches and sweat and tears and pain and blood (true story) to get there, but i'm really determined to. I even had several dreams of becoming a professional ballerina and performing in theatres! Those were the most amazing dreams I've had. I was surrounded by so many other sophisticated ballerinas with their tight buns and baby pink leotards, that it made me so happy. Oh and sitting across brightly-lit up mirrors and getting our make up done together truly made me feel like I was living the dream. It felt so real. Not forgetting our dancing on the polished wooden floors, doing our spins and splits with some classical music piece playing in the background. Oh my goodness. It.was.phenomenal. If only those dreams could come true. Sigh.

true story.

2011-05-27T18:40:00.002+08:00

"There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all life is too short to be anything but happy."

):

2011-05-25T23:56:00.002+08:00

You know the feeling when you see a grade that isn't very much desired? That overwhelming sense of 'aw shucks i could have done better' kind of feeling. That grade mocks you. It brings out that inner evil side of you, that constantly reminds you how you're so damn dumb and you're never going to be good enough. That one grade. It has it's mind of it's own, almost as if it's talking to you, it's words full of sarcasm and disbelief. It constantly laughs at you, teases you, makes fun of you. It takes control of you, deeply engraving the sense of guilt and regret in you. Why do grades matter so much?

why am i so dumb

2011-05-24T19:22:00.002+08:00

I honestly thought i worked pretty hard for mid-years. Considering i had a flu in the midst of midyears. But my results proved otherwise. First time in a long time that i feel really stupid. More stupid than a blond chick. I have not gotten a single A1/A2. dafak? My highest so far is like..english? 0.7 marks away from a 70-.- Good job eliza. But! my plan is working. For those who don't already know, my plan is to do really badly for mid-years and work harder for prelims. Hopefully, i do really badly for prelims as well. Then i'll be like 'shit, i must be like the dumbest kid alive' and i'll work extreeeeemely hard for Os and hopefully them distinctions will fly to mama. Sounds like a pretty darn good plan right! Yeah i know.

On to other matters...
Here's the list of things i wanna do before getting a stable job:
1. Be a DJ - I think it's pretty fun to sit and talk to a microphone for a coupla hours while knowing that people out there actually listen to what you say. I talk too much, and i have a strong need to let it all out. Somewhere.
2. Be an air stewardess - yes i know that it's a pretty dirty job but who cares?! coz i know i don't. I've alwayssss wanted to be an air stewardess since i was a kid. Almost looked up to them. They were filled with such poise and elegance that it was hard to not stare. CA, we're in this together right^^
3. Be a waitress - Okay I'm already considering doing this after my Os to earn some bux. Too much of 'diner dash' and this is what you get.
4. Be on clicknetwork.tv - This one is quite impossible since i'm neither pretty nor charismatic enough to start my own episodes on clicknetwork but it's still a dream right? (;
5. Be a stripper - no I'm just kidding HAHAHA i really am

It's a wonder why I'm suddenly so into blogging nowadays.

dead.

2011-05-23T22:28:00.003+08:00

I can't even think straight right now. My brain is filled with chinese characters that i've been reading all day and all night that there is no room for any proper and in-depth blogging. but! i will try my best.

Did i mention that my freaking chinese Os are in a bloody week's time?!?! like next freaking monday. And did i also mention that i am neither mentally nor knowledgeably prepared? I honestly hate my mother tongue to.the.core. i will freaking chop your tongue lah, stupid mother. (no i don't actually mean that). It's like the post mid-years period and I'm supposed to give my poor brain a rest. But noooo, chinese Os had to smack me right in the face. Depressing.

I also have been putting on a lot of weight recently. I tell you, the stress is making me go bonkus. My butt is ballooning to the size of Jupiter. That is why, i have promised myself that after my chinese Os, i will run thrice a week;Monday,Wednesday and Friday. Also, i plan on cutting down,if not completely stop, snacking and eat more vegetables and fruits. I will also paste pictures of Gisele Bundchen and Miranda Kerr all over my wallet and toilet mirror and bed so i can constantly remind myself how badly i need to lose weight. On top of that, i will watch ANTM cycle 16 and ogle at the models' skinny legs and flat tummies. Yes I will do that. Hopefully, I'll be skinnier by the end of June. Correction: i WILL be skinnier by the end of June. You wait and see.

I have been terribly broke for the last coupla days. Sigh. I really really really need to shop! Retail therapy, at it's most literal. So many fleas happening in June omg can't wait. Fashion buffet @Victoria Jomo as well!

Omg it was bloody hot today, i pity all the sec 3s at OBS. But at least they are having a lot more fun than me )':

CA: You are so sweeeeeet. Thanks for making me tear up right there. I think you give great advice as well, whoever said you didn't?! And even if you think you're a shitty friend, you're the best thing that's ever happened in my life and your presence is enough to make shit seem better. You know I'll always be there for you too , babe(:

Not bad not bad, my sentences were pretty coherent despite the random chinese words that are flashing consecutively in my brain.

.raewrednu esiouqrut gniraew m'i dog ym ho

Human beings are such weird creatures

2011-05-22T14:40:00.003+08:00

There was a point of time, when i felt truly happy. The kind of happiness that reverberates through my entire being and makes me feel like I could eat the stars above. The kind of happiness that no words can describe. The kind of happiness that only people can bring. That kind of intangible happiness. It was something so pure and innocent, like the first time I received a sweet in kindergarten for being a good kid. It made my insides tingle. It made me feel like nothing in the world mattered. It was like that happiness inside of me penetrated through all the sadness I once felt, and made it crumble and disintegrate into nothingness. The power of that kind of happiness was beyond anyone's understanding. It was the epitome of joy.
And then, suddenly the clock strikes twelve, and I find out that it was all a lie. That overwhelming sense of happiness was nothing but a lie. I was being deceived. Like a plain fool. I look from left to right. How could this be done? That horrible sense of disbelief smears across my face. How could something that felt so real, become so damn fake? It was all just a trick. It took control of the gullibility inside of me, leaving me so vulnerable. It shook down the four walls I've built all around, until I was left standing there;cold and bare. Naked. And I think to myself, "It was all your fault." I led myself to my own plight. There was no one else to blame.

How will I ever know if it's genuine?

how apt.

2011-05-19T20:34:00.002+08:00

http://anasomnia.com/ <- this is really how my childhood dreams were like. if you agree, raise your hand.

That night

2011-05-18T20:20:00.003+08:00

That night when i dreamt of Mars.
That fountain of lava. Bubbling lava. Like any other fountain, but with a reddish orange hue to it. Not forgetting the fact that it flowed down in slow motion; the molten lava taking its time to plunge down, adding to the river down below.
That weightlessness. Just a jump, and you found yourself leaping up into the sky like some freak kangeroo. No need for hot-air balloons, no need for airplanes. In that dream i had of Mars, you're your own source of air transport.
That environment. So much like this Home, but so different as well. Everything seemed so freakishly hot. The sky itself was a strange hue of golden red. Anything you touch scalded your skin. It was almost like touching fire. Yet, it seemed like it was fine to me. I was fine being burnt all over. I was away from Home. Away from that bubble of comfort. Away from the constant need of being someone worthy enough. It felt almost soothing.
Well, you know how dreams are. They never make much sense.

Burning bridges from shore to shore.

2011-05-18T19:25:00.005+08:00

Mid-years officially ended today. Someone say 'HELL TO THE YEAH'? The feeling of knowing all the hardcore mugging till the wee hours is all over is effing amazing. At the same time, the fact that it's only temporary and that time zooms past really fast makes me want to kick a walllllllll. It's not even helping that my parents don't even want me to have a break and demand that I continue studying for my chinese Os after mid-years. like uh, give me a break? thanks.

Today was fun though. Hung out with a few friends. Went to catch beastly. oh my holy banana seriously it is amazing. Mostly because Alex Pettyfer's face is perpetually on this humongous screen and his eyes are the greenest jewels I've seen in the whole wide world. How can someone manage to still look gorgeous with a disfigured face?
Camwhored with the whole bunch of 'em after the movie. Had a blast. 'nuff said.

Have been feeling rather reckless these coupla days. Like i have this urge to get drunk and wasted and not give a shit about anything. I'm not even kidding. The stress is really getting to me. CA? (;

Fuck you. But at least i'm better now.

Nothingness

2011-05-17T22:18:00.002+08:00

Tell me again, what exactly are feelings?
I'm sorry but i kind of forgot how to emote.
Can't exactly remember the way a tear rolls down my cheek, or why it formed in the first place.
Just a faint of memory of the time when my heartbeat raced to the speed of light and my palms got sweaty.
The way i felt as if the biggest and widest smile could not express the joy in me? Oh, how it seems so foreign.
Just a piece of meat acting like I've got the faintest knowledge of how to feel.
Nothingness. Plain nothingness.
That's what you've taught me to become.

I'll be your breeze

2011-05-16T14:15:00.005+08:00

ONE MORE EXAM TO GO. HALLELUJAH!
honestly, cannot tahan already. seriously, two and a half weeks of exams. wtf? i'm so glad it's gonna be over soon. and then i'm gonna party all day long and all night long and everything in between.
k that didn't make sense. whatevs,the sun is killing me.
yeah did i mention? it's bloody hot outside. Singapore can be Asia's Sahara Desert.

The white curtain flapped vigorously. It's end being sweeped up into the air, before coming down again. The golden flowers on it became nothing more than a blur as it went back and forth, back and forth. It moved to the rhythm of the wind, as if some invincible force was pulling it, then releasing it, then pulling it. The white curtain was so helpless, being so easily and effortlessly controlled by the wind. Yet it was so intriguing. The way it moved.